There is a proposal to build a new hotel in Las Vegas. But this won’t be any hotel — this would be the King David Hotel, and the King David Hotel … well, it’s a Jewish hotel. Yes. The 46-story, 648-foot-tall King David Hotel has been proposed near the Las Vegas Strip to cater to the local Jewish community, with amenities like a synagogue, kosher restaurants, and features to accommodate religious restrictions during the Sabbath. As a Jewish man myself, I applaud this plan. As it stands now, according to reports, observant Jews have to schlep over an hour on foot from the Strip to get to Saturday morning services. But speaking as a secular Jew, as I happen to be, this isn’t an earth-shaker for me. I mean, I wouldn’t be staying there if I ever were in Vegas. I’d rather stay at one of the glitzier, higher-end, fancy-pants hotels. You know, the ones with casinos and stuff. Which, now that I think about it … maybe the developers should rip up plans for the hotel and start over, creating a Jewish wonderland in the heart of Vegas. And if they need ideas on how to gussy up the joint, don’t worry — I’ve got ‘em. Oh, I’ve got ideas Poker chips: Every casino has its own branded poker chips, and while “King David” poker chips would probably look cool with a picture of King David, how about we lean into some of the more circular/secular items in the Jewish world? Such as … bagels. Yes. Let’s have all the poker chips look like bagels. Plain are the dollar, all the way up to the $5,000 everythings with a schmear. Bingo : A classic game loved by Jewish grandmothers who can’t wrap their heads around mahjong. Let’s throw some random matzo balls in the hopper and see what happens. Seinfeld : You have to see the show! A Jerry Seinfeld residency is exactly what the King David Hotel would need. And if Seinfeld isn’t available, let’s ask Adam Sandler. Or Sarah Silverman. Or Amy Schumer. Is Howie Mandel still doing some stand-up? Or Marc Maron. Or Nick Kroll. Or Andrew “Dice” Clay. Or John Mulaney, who isn’t Jewish but could definitely play one on stage. You get the idea. Jewish Comedy Museum : I mean, this is actually a good idea. Jackie Mason, Shecky Greene, Don Rickles… how many Jewish comedians made their career in Vegas? The list is near-endless. The Bugsy Siegel Suite: There is no Vegas as we know it without Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel, the Jewish mobster who saw the potential of the desert oasis. To not honor this great(ish) man (and murderer) is a shanda. The biggest and best room in the house has to be named in honor of this tough Jew. The Meyer Lansky Suite: Of course, Siegel’s criminal partner, Meyer Lansky, was the money man behind Vegas and countless other mob operations. Known as the “mob’s accountant,” Lansky kept a low profile and died a proper Jewish death: Of natural causes at the age of 80 in Miami Beach. Anyway, since he kept a low profile, how about his suite is unnumbered and reserved solely for guests at management’s discretion? Hairpieces by Morrie : You know how high-end hotels have high-end shops? Yeah, well let’s do the same, but for old-style hairpieces. And who better than Morrie Kessler? Dreidel : Oh yeah. Let’s legalize dreidel. It’s a four-sided top, and the traditional game rules are you can win the pot, win half the pot, lose your bet, or no action. I’m sure someone smarter than me can figure out how to turn this into a 92.5% RTP game. Sammy Davis Jr. lobby statue: A charter member of the Rat Pack and a Jew (he converted). No-brainer. Standing invitation to have Larry David come back and film a 13th season of Curb Your Enthusiasm using the King David Hotel as a major plot point : I mean, come on. Can’t you just picture it? Susie going slot-crazy? Larry getting upset at the lox-to-bagel ratio? Leon attending Sabbath services? It’s too good. Photo: Getty Images.
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