LAS VEGAS — Tourists recently visiting the Sphere attraction in Las Vegas expressed their displeasure with being tricked into listening to U2, according to sources still trying to get Discothèque out of their heads.

“We just wanted some pics of that cool building,” stated Virginian Travis Billings. “But as soon as we got close to the entrance, a short man wearing a black beanie pushed us inside, trapping us with thousands of others. At first we thought it was some kind of terrorist attack, but turns out it was a U2 concert. Larry Mullen Jr. and Adam Clayton confiscated everyone’s phones, while Bono chased down a woman from Denmark who made a run for it, clubbing her over the head with his microphone as a warning to others. Hours later when we finally got our phones back, their entire discography was downloaded onto them. In retrospect, maybe being kidnapped by Boko Haram would have been less painful.”

Frontman Bono explained that fooling people to attend their concerts was necessary.

“That’s showbiz, baby,” sang Bono while swaying slightly in place. “People think it’s easy packing an eighteen thousand seat venue every night, but they don’t realize how difficult it is to get people to willingly listen to ‘Zooropa.’ About half of our audience are made up of die-hard fans while the other half are mostly families just coming in to escape the oppressive desert heat, or as we like to call them, ‘easy pickins.’ Uh oh, looks like someone else is trying to escape. We’ll just let our pack of Rottweilers handle this one.” 

Mayor of Las Vegas Carolyn Goodman has received numerous complaints about the musicians.

“Just because this is the city where ‘anything goes’ doesn’t mean you can hold tourists hostage,” explained Goodman. “Since these guys came into town, not a week goes by when someone doesn’t complain about an impromptu U2 concert breaking out. And no place is safe, they’ve cornered people everywhere from random buffets to even car washes. I have no choice but to table a motion with the city council to add them to our list of invasive species. The next step is a cull.” 

At press time, a busload of German tourists realized that a mysterious new Cirque Du Soleil show they had never heard of turned out to be Bono giving a seven-hour TedTalk about dreams. 

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