LAS VEGAS, NV — Excitement abounded over the weekend as the long-awaited Sphere at the Venitian Resort had its grand opening. Attendees reported a wondrous, mind-blowing experience that would have been truly magnificent if it had not been spoiled by a U2 concert.

“Such a missed opportunity,” said Zach Lewis, who was initially astounded by the visual display prior to U2 beginning their performance. “I was rendered completely speechless by what I was seeing. I was transfixed! It was as though I was catching an all-too-brief glimpse of things only the Almighty God Himself could create, splendor upon which no human being had ever set their eyes. And then Bono showed up.”

Other people who experienced the Sphere provided similar reports. “It’s almost beyond words,” said Josiah Smith. “If it were possible for mortal humans to have a front-row seat to bear witness to the very creation of the universe, that may provide the slightest notion of how wondrous and majestic the sights and sounds are within the Sphere. But then it all got completely ruined when U2’s ‘Zoo Station’ started playing. Everyone I saw in the crowd was weeping, but they weren’t tears of joy. It was sorrow.”

Though U2 described the first show as a rousing success, the dejected crowds leaving the Sphere were heard lamenting what had begun as a life-changing experience.

At publishing time, attendees were offering to pay several times more than the price of U2 tickets if they could just enjoy the Sphere itself with the promise that U2 would not appear for the duration of the show.

Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!